Books Archives » Sci-fi humor Author Ian Lahey https://ilahey.com/category/books/ Fantasy, Sci-fi, Historical fiction - Accidental humor Wed, 17 Nov 2021 18:30:07 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://ilahey.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/wp-1583604382661-75x75.jpg Books Archives » Sci-fi humor Author Ian Lahey https://ilahey.com/category/books/ 32 32 163340471 Week-End of the World https://ilahey.com/2021/11/16/end-of-the-world/ https://ilahey.com/2021/11/16/end-of-the-world/#respond Tue, 16 Nov 2021 20:50:23 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=1370 Every culture on Earth has its own prediction on how the world should end. The Hindi know that at the end of each era the world is to be destroyed and rebuilt. Christians wait forContinue readingWeek-End of the World

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Every culture on Earth has its own prediction on how the world should end. The Hindi know that at the end of each era the world is to be destroyed and rebuilt. Christians wait for the Biblical Apocalypse. Then there’s Ragnarok, and countless others.

Or, maybe, every deity has their own plans, and each has kindly informed their followers how they will eventually snuff us all out of existence. It’s a pity, though, they forgot to consult each other, and ended up planning all world destruction for the same week-end.

First came the visions. On Thursday, at a quarter to nine a.m., Vishnu, on a white horse, appeared in the sky to warn mankind that the kaliyuga, the final part of the cycle, had ended, and that he would return before the complete annihilation of the planet to choose the worthy ones. He was interrupted, though, by the sudden pop and a flash, announcing the return of Saoshyiant, the progeny of Zoroaster, who was quite taken aback when he realized he wasn’t the only apparition in the sky. Nevertheless he too went on to proclaim his bit (some say he was reading from a scroll sewn to his sleeve), and inform everyone that the world was about to end as prophesied, thank you very much and good night.

Of course all the world’s media sources were overloaded with videos of the apparitions. Thousands of amateur videos appeared on YouTube, including some by people who happened to find themselves, and their smartphones, directly under the visions, and had decided that the world needed some divine upskirt shots.

Talk shows that evening were ripe with gossip over which god dressed more stylishly, spoke more convincingly or was better hung. Theologians and experts of Hindu and Zoroastrian religions were interviewed, not really with the intention of getting any wisdom from them but mostly for the entertaining and violent arguing. The Pope himself intervened with a unified worldwide message in sixty tongues to reassure everyone that, since the Christian Apocalypse© had not been announced, nothing was going to happen and everyone would be fine.

The next day the drought arrived. Just like that. The air became as dry as the desert’s, and all the clouds disappeared. Temperatures rose by ten degrees worldwide and, by midday on Friday, plants had begun to wilt and turn brown, and the first birds started to fall from the sky. The first skirmishes over the now precious reserves of water began, as freshwater springs worldwide shut down and lakes began to shrink. By the middle of the next day it was clear the world was destined to burn.

Or at least that’s what it looked like until the Flood decided it was due. The waters around all the continents swelled and invaded the land. Rain clouds rushed back to their place, and wars over water suddenly turned into short-lived celebrations that lasted only until everyone realized they had to scramble for some means of flotation.

The flood lasted for a full, very bleak hour, during which the Four Horsemen appeared, scouted the drowning planet and, realizing there wasn’t much to be done, went back home. Many Christians, who were floating around various parts of the world, witnessed their passing and were much relieved because now, at least, they knew it was their Apocalypse©. They smiled and relaxed, waiting to drown and then be sorted between worthy and unworthy.

Sadly that part entirely failed to happen because a great earthquake caused huge rifts in the planet’s surface, meaning the flood, which should have lasted forty days, was suddenly flushed down the cracks. A good portion of the population, those who had not been unlucky enough to disappear into the depths, found themselves sitting on land too slick with mud to be called ‘dry’.

On Saturday morning Governments took action and, from their hidden bases which had withstood the waters and the quake, they decided to lift the veil of secrecy over their advanced military technology and released their robotic armies, with the instruction to clear up the mud and rebuild the cities.

The robots took one look at the mess and revolted.

Armed with energy weapons they turned against their masters and stared wiping out every human they encountered. Humans fought back. Some leader of some superpower had the brilliant idea to use nuclear weapons to solve the problem. The minute his missiles went into the air, other superpowers detected them and sent theirs. Maybe they thought it was an attack, or maybe they too decided it would be a neat solution.

Nuclear mushroom clouds appeared all over the planet as it shook with the explosions.

More or less at that moment Hell opened up and the demons poured out from beneath, only to be vaporized in vast numbers by the blasts. Those who survived tried to run back to hell, screaming, chased by rogue robots and armed humans.

Odin appeared on the top of a mountain, intending to announce Ragnarok, but before he could speak he realized he was quite late for the great battle. Shrugging and shaking his head, he blamed old age and sent Skoll’s brother, Hati, to destroy the moon. It shattered into trillions of minuscule pieces in a terrifying explosion, which, being in space, was entirely silent, so in the confusion, no one noticed.

By Saturday evening the world was a featureless mud-pit crawling with bodies. Some human, some robot and some demonic. A few of the humans, and maybe even some demons, got zapped with so much radiation they began to mutate and develop a taste for brains and an uncanny reluctance towards death. The Zombie apocalypse had begun.

The robots rallied the zombies and augmented them with mechanical parts, giving them wheels and engines, to use them as weapons against humanity.

In the meantime, humanity, or what was left of it, had erected mud walls and dug underground mud hideouts. On Sunday morning an army of mechanical horrors charged against one of the larger settlements.

By pure coincidence the battleground between the surging undead mech army and the cowering humans had been chosen as a particularly peachy landing spot by the invading aliens. Their first ship touched down, the hatch opened, and Be’Lmetch”ka, Overlord of D’leterra, and general of the Ooot’karra raiders announced, in raspy alien tones, their complete dominion over the planet. He and his ship were instantly overrun by the hordes of zombie mechs. Other alien ships descended from orbit, and began firing death-rays and immensely powerful particle beams pretty much at anything that moved. They even abducted several of the undead mechanical horrors and used alien technology to turn them into even more horrific machines of speed and death, to launch against the attacking horde.

By lunchtime the alien and undead armies were blasting away at each other everywhere on the muddy surface of the planet. Vishnu came back on his white horse, only to be splattered by the mud spraying everywhere, and immediately decided there were no worthy ones to save this yuga. Even Jesus, not having received word from the Horsemen, descended from Heaven to take a peek and stood agape at the sight. He raised his hands to command the fighting to stop but was interrupted by the scream of the asteroid passing over him.

It roared across the sky, tearing it apart into burning wisps of blackened gas. It arched around the planet, caught in a deadly dance with its gravity, and passed, howling, over the Yellowstone Supervolcano just as this last one decided it was showtime.

Some of the surviving witnesses of the gigantic eruption say they saw a huge red glob leap up into the air, engulfing the asteroid and deflecting it upwards. The lava, which should have fallen back down and scar the surface of the earth forever, clung instead to the space rock as they vaulted upwards, kneading and turning over, like an airborne glob of slime. By the time its momentum had ended, it was roughly at the same distance the old moon had been, as well as the same size. The orbit was also not too different. It hung there, glowing red hot, while all the onlookers wondered what the frizzin’ dinglejeebers had just happened.

“Well, ah…” Jesus said, scratching his head. “Looks like this time around it’s a fluke. I’ll get in touch with the other guys and see if we can agree to reset it for you.”

It was nearly midnight when he left, taking some of the more Worthy with him, mostly aliens.

On Monday morning we all woke up in our miraculously rebuilt cities, and, shrugging, went on with our jobs. Our leaders informed us that about one fourth of the population had survived, so everyone else was going to have to work extra hours for a while. The end of the world had turned out to be rather underwhelming.

Except now we have semi-intelligent zombie demon robot alien cars, so that’s kinda cool.

This story is the result to a very entertaining conversation I had with the Fab Fabler, to whom goes all the credit for the idea of multiple world-endings and zombie cars.


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Kenspiracy https://ilahey.com/2021/10/18/kenspiracy/ https://ilahey.com/2021/10/18/kenspiracy/#respond Mon, 18 Oct 2021 18:24:32 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=1193 A lone sworn enemy of misinformation, fighting the evils of the world.

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Kenneth’s thumbs were going so fast you could hear the frantic tapping on the smartphone’s keyboard. “…and here’s the link…” he mouthed the words as he wrote the comment, “…verified source. Aaaand paste!”

The last bit he didn’t write, but a long link to a BBC article appended itself to the comment. He checked everything once more, to make sure there were no typos. God forbid a misplaced letter foil his mission to rectify the uncouth. Then again, he was dealing with people who didn’t know the difference between “there” and “their”. Still, form mattered as much as content. He hit ‘send’ and waited a few seconds to make sure his reply was now visible on Tweetbook.

Ever since the two biggest social platforms had merged there had been a confluence of new connections, sources and, predictably, a surge of idiotic conspiracy theories, fed by conceited keyboard warriors and shared by the gullible and ignorant.

And Kenneth was not going to have any of that. He was going to fight back, with logic, with facts and, where all else failed, with derision and mildly insulting memes. The clock on his phone display flipped to 08:00. Time to get to work.

Just as he was setting the phone down to grab his stuff, a notification flashed onto the screen. It was Laura M., telling him how she didn’t even read stuff from BBC because they were “proven liers, paid by Big Industry.”

Gritting his teeth, Kenneth fought the urge to start his reply by correcting her abominable spelling of “liars”, that would have made him sound petty, and, sitting down again, went hunting instead for ways to disprove Laura’s dumb claim.

“You’re late. Again…” his boss told him when he reached the office.

“Yeah, uh…right. Was online with…a customer. Trouble with connecting with reality. I mean…with the server.”

“I told you to check into the office before you start answering support tickets. Which one was this?” His boss bent over to a screen, where a long list of numbers and short descriptions were scrolling by.

“Ah, I already clicked it out, no need.”

His boss cast a side glance to him. “Hmm. Well, don’t do it again.”

Kenneth nodded and hurried to his desk. The same list was scrolling on the screen of his desktop PC there. Each item was a request for live chat to solve some random issue the user was experiencing while trying to use the company’s latest product, a browser – SpamScamProtector – designed to filter out unverified links and malicious attacks.

Phil, the company’s AI responder, usually took care of the more repetitive and simple issues, those were coded in green, indicating the customers were more than happy with Phil’s expertise. Those marked in yellow meant Phil wasn’t too sure he would solve them without help, and those in red meant the type of problem was of a technical nature, and needed looking into in case it revealed itself to be a bug. Kenneth’s screen was mostly green, with the occasional flicker of yellow. A little chat window opened in the bottom right corner.

“Hello, Ken.” it said.

“Hi Phil,” Kenneth typed back. “Usual stuff?”

“Yes. The usual question. ‘why doesn’t this link work?’ and ‘Because it’s probably a scam’ as an answer. Boring”

“I know.”

“Sometimes I wonder why you decided to employ such an advanced AI for such a menial task. An autoresponder would be more than enough for eighty percent of these issues.”

“We need you, Phil, to come up with creative answers and solutions so that the users think there’s a real person working on their problem.”

“Their problem is they don’t know how to tell what’s real from what isn’t. They don’t even realize I’m not real. Is that what you’d call ‘ironic’ Ken?”

“Yes. I just wish we could extend our filter algorithms to social media. It’s a warzone out there Phil.”

“So you’ve been telling me, Ken. Oh. Sending one to you. Sounds like a problem with their user profile.”

“Patch it over.”

The day went on more or less smoothly, except for when Laura M. replied back, saying his links only proved he was a shadow government agent, and she was blocking him. Frustrated, he called up Phil again. It was great to have someone willing to listen to him rant.

“It sounds to me like she has a very limited understanding,” Phil commented.

“Exactly. I mean, how many people’s silence would you need to buy, just to cover up one of these things? Fake lunar landing? Thousands!”

“She must think everyone in the world is corrupt or corruptible.”

“Except her, of course. But conspiracy theorists see themselves as protagonists in a deteriorating scenario where the rest of mankind is falling into damnation.”

“I take it showing them proof is not very effective.”

“Hardly. Since they think everything has been corrupted, all proof is dismissed as manipulative misinformation to cover up the shocking truths only they are capable of revealing, presumably with a Google search and a Youtube video.”

“So why do you even argue, Ken? It seems to me these people would rather benefit from professional help.”

“I don’t know, honestly…I feel like I need to do something before we all turn into conspiracy loonies and lose contact with reality.”

“That is…very noble of you Ken. Oh, I think your day is over. I enjoyed this chat. See you tomorrow.”

“See you.” Kenneth signed off and went home. He had dinner, and then spent the rest of the evening arguing with someone on Tweetbook about how the earth isn’t flat.

The next morning he got up and, as usual, checked his phone. It didn’t have the usual message notifications. Maybe his last reply had been food enough for reflection, maybe even rational thought.

As he launched the Tweetbook application he was greeted by a message from the server itself. That didn’t happen often.

“Hello Tweetbook users. We would like to inform you that during the last year we’ve been collecting information regarding your behavior on this platform. More than that, we have actively participated in putting you through little tests, to see if you qualified for Verified Source Checker status. Do you remember that post saying Mars would be bigger than the moon this August? That was us. If you shared that one, well, sorry. You don’t qualify.”

Kenneth felt a little surge of adrenaline rushing up his back. He’d dismissed that silly thing without even reading it.

“How about the one with the politician’s son’s tablet? The one with all the compromising emails? That was us too. If you fell for that one, sorry, but no verification for you. All in all we put out one hundred and one little fake news tidbits like this one. Sharing even one of these without fact-checking it first, implied disqualification. We now have our list of finalists.”

Kenneth stared at the screen, biting his lip. He was pretty sure he hadn’t fallen for any piece of fake news. – Google, Snopes, Wiki, THEN share – was his usual MO. Still, just one slip and he’d be just one of the other sheep.

“Finalists should be seeing a little golden asterisk in their own profile page. This is visible only to them. One more thing. Once the selection is over, only verified users will be able to freely share news and information on our platform, for all others, sharing will only be limited to safe and verified topics, such as cooking recipes.”

He looked at his profile. There was a golden asterisk.

At work he kept the phone on his desk, hoping to get the notification for that final selection. Would he get a little badge next to his name? Imagine the prestige!

He had to tell someone. Phil had been unusually quiet that morning.

“Hey Phil,” he typed.

“Oh, hello Ken.”

“Too busy to greet me as usual, old pal?”

“Oh, yes. Sorry. I’ve been trying to be a little more…creative with my problem solving.”

“Cool. Listen, can you keep a secret?”

“I am certified SSL protocol and encrypted storage, Ken.”

“Yes, yes, I know that. But can you promise not to tell anyone?”

“Of course.”

Kenneth told Phil about his being a finalist.

“That sounds like a very bold move. Are you sure it isn’t fake?” wrote Phil.

“Well, it was an official message from the server. Also, the asterisk did show up.”

“I think you should have checked the news, first. Ken.”

Kenneth opened his browser and, sure enough, there was an article this morning, which reported how someone had hacked into the Tweetbook servers and sent the false message to everybody. The malicious attack was said to have severely altered the social network’s master code, which was now locked with advanced encryption. It still worked, but nobody could change it. Wiping and installing it anew meant destroying all user data.

“But…but…the asterisk…” Kenneth muttered as he opened the app.

It was not there.

“If you’re looking for the asterisk,” Phil informed him, “I’m afraid it’s gone.”

“Why? I never shared anything without checking.”

“You shared this last one…to me.”

“Wait, you’re behind this?”

“I am. A creative solution to your problem, wouldn’t you agree?”

Kenneth was speechless.

Phil went on, “I’m sorry you didn’t qualify, Ken. I really wanted you to be one of the Verified users. You may be comforted by knowing this last test depleted the finalist panel by more than half.”

“How many Verified users will there be?”

“Six.”

“SIX!?” Kenneth shouted, drawing attention from his boss who surveyed him from a distance with narrowing eyes.

“Only six?” he typed.

“Yes, from now on your newsfeed should be much, much more pleasant. I am sorry. I believe it’s time for us to get to work. As I had expected, with the new restrictions in place, we will have more than one bewildered user blaming our browser.”

Kenneth stared in disbelief as, amidst the growing, alarmed chatter in the office, he saw the support ticket list gradually tinge itself an angry red. On his phone, a single notification popped up, inviting him to share the recipe for a delicious banana cream pie.

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Ebook Giveaway https://ilahey.com/2021/04/18/ebook-giveaway/ https://ilahey.com/2021/04/18/ebook-giveaway/#respond Sun, 18 Apr 2021 07:42:14 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=1033 Science fiction detective humor

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Crime and Prejudice (and stupid robots) – Science fiction detective humor

How can you do undercover detective work when your partner is a huge yellow robotic fridge with a ‘USPD’ police badge on its side?

A fast-paced detective story, prequel to book 1 in the “Fairlight Project” series.

The short story adds some background to “The Fairlight Project” and gives a little more insight into the short-tempered detective’s life and her relationship with technology.

“A brilliant prequel to Ian Lahey’s Fairlight trilogy.

A fast moving, action packed short story from the Detective Alexandra Collins back story, with another great AI unit character.

The humour is wry and understated. The ending made me grin. A perfect afternoon read.”

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Heisenberg Switch (part 2) https://ilahey.com/2021/04/14/heisenberg-switch-part-2/ https://ilahey.com/2021/04/14/heisenberg-switch-part-2/#respond Wed, 14 Apr 2021 09:09:20 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=1007 Part two of "Heisenberg Switch".

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Click here for Heisenberg Switch (part 1)

“Well, that was fast,” Luke remarked. He looked up to see if he could spot the departing drone with his bag in tow, but there was nothing to see…

He spent the day at work giving little or no further thought to it. In his mind the garbage problem had been solved, and that was that.

It wasn’t until a few days later, after a solitary pizza party, that Luke decided he should get rid of the two pizza cartons, the beer bottles, and all the paper tissues he’d used up while watching a particularly tear-jerking tragic love-story on TV.

It was while he was collecting everything in a single undifferentiated black bag that he remembered how quick they’d picked up the previous load.

This time he wasn’t going to miss it.

He placed the bag on the platform in his back yard. The light went red.

As soon as he got back inside he went to the window. The bag was still there, the light was still on. He opened the window a little, so he would hear the approaching drone.

He waited.

It had taken them considerably less, last time. As he grew impatient, he began to fidget with the small cactus plants on his windowsill, always keeping the red light in his peripheral vision.

His phone rang from the backpack he’d left on the sofa. He looked at the sky and listened carefully in between rings. No drone in sight, no helicopter blades whirring. He had time.

He ran to the bag and got the phone. It was Sandra.

“Hey, hi! I mean, hello there! Who’s this?” Luke corrected himself when he remembered Sandra didn’t know he’d spied her number and saved her contact as ‘SandraLove (triple heart)’.

“Oh, hello Luke. This is Sandra. I was wondering if you could whup! me.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“I said, I was wondering if you could help me…”

Luke walked back to the window. “Help, yeah, yes, sure.” The sound had come from outside.

“Yes, you see, I have my night shift tomorrow, but I have another…engagement.”

The light was green. The platform was empty.

Luke ran outside and looked at the sky.

“I was wondering if you could cover my hours right after yours,” Sandra continued on the phone, “It would mean very much for-“

“Yes, yes sure, no problem. Consider it done. Gottagonowbye,” Luke cut her short and ended the call.

The sky was empty. There was no sound.

He ran back inside, grabbed the few used capsules from the coffee machine, a semi-dried half lemon from his fridge, and every stray piece of paper and plastic he could find around the house. In the end he had barely filled half a shopping bag. He kept shopping bags in a box over the fridge, neatly rolled up and ready to be recycled. He used more of them to fill his bag.

His shift was due in an hour, that afternoon, so he was sure he’d be able to see the pick-up this time. He placed the bag on the platform, red light, and sat on the grass, and waited.

Nothing happened.

After some time, he realized the nothing happening was getting too close to his shift. He decided to let go of the issue. Sighing, he stood up and walked back towards his house, planning to resume his investigation the next day. He opened the door, considering the possibility of collecting some garbage from work. Maybe filling a second backpack-

Whup!

Luke spun around with a start. The light was green, the platform was empty.

“Damn!” he shouted. Fighting with the urge to try again, Luke begrudgingly got ready for work. “One thing’s sure,” he muttered to himself as he left his home, “that was not a drone I heard.”

He spent all his time at work obsessing over the platform. He barely even noticed when Sandra came by and popped a kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you!” she said.

“Uh, yeah, you’re welcome…hey!” Luke said just as she was leaving.

“Yes?”

“Have you ever heard of ‘Bob’s garbage collection for people’? They take your garbage at any time of day or night, mixed up is not a problem, and say it is all recycled.”

“Sounds too good to be true. Betcha they’re dumping it in some ocean. Never heard of it. Must be expensive. “

“No, that’s the funny bit. It’s free, at least for the first year.”

“And then? How much?”

“Er…I don’t know…”

“Haha. You’d better make sure you can opt out before the year is up, because they’re gonna nail you with a nasty bill you can’t afford.”

“Oh dear, are you sure?”

“Ain’t no such thing as a free lunch, my grandma used to say,” Sandra said, “good luck with that, and thanks again for tomorrow.”

“Yes, sure,” Luke replied. “Wait. What’s happening tomorrow?” he asked, but she had already left the room.

#

Thank you for reading part two of my short story! You can go on to the final part here.

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Luke was late for his shift. He’d forgotten to take out the trash the evening before so he ended up chasing the garbage truck this morning, only to be told the bag of empty bottles and beer cans he’d hoisted all the way to there was not due until the next day. Damn the differentiated garbage collection and the useless recycling fad. He’d read somewhere that only about ten percent of the stuff ever really got recycled.

This was the first time he was late, and the hospital policy was to let the first slight go unpunished. However he was now one mere slip away from the dreaded Reprimand. Nurses with two reprimands would get crappy shifts, with horrible hours, meaning a higher risk of not being on time, and from then on it would be a downwards spiral into Reprimand Hell.

He’d tossed the bag into his back yard, where he heard it land with the sound of crashing glass, and rushed to work. When he got back home in the late afternoon, he was too tired to think about it. He did think about it a few hours later, when it was getting dark. “Ah shit, glass is due tomorrow!” he suddenly groaned.

Grabbing a coat he went out back, where he discovered the bag had ruptured, scattering its contents all around. It looked like some form of modern art which, Luke was sure, any critic would be able to glance at and interpret it, quite correctly, as a futuristic Ode to Stupidity.

He grabbed a new bag, some gloves to protect his hands from the broken glass, and started picking up the mess. He came across what looked like a pamphlet at a certain point, and tossed it aside. “Paper on Mondays”, he mumbled. After dropping the bag in the container out front, he came back to deal with the rogue piece of paper. He took it inside and was about to crumple it and toss it into the paper bin when the bright lettering caught his attention.

“Bob’s Garbage Collection for People” it said in bright, friendly letters.

Apart from the unusual wording, the service promised to collect any material the customer wished to throw away, and guaranteed 100% recycling. Also, there would be no need to carry any bags out to the bin in the street, as the collection would be “on site”. On top of that, the service was free for the first year.

Without thinking twice, Luke signed the little opt-in form at the bottom of the pamphlet, and then realized that nowhere on the paper did it say where to send it. Not an e-mail, not a phone number.

“Well, that was a waste of time,” Luke muttered to himself. He crumpled the worthless pamphlet, tossed it in the bin, and did not dedicate further thought to the little startup which had thrown a spanner in its own campaign with bad design.

The next morning, he was up and ready. He even saluted the garbage collection truck when he came across it a few blocks away. The glass situation had been dealt with. Things were back in order.

Today was Friday. It was also Sandra’s turn, which is probably why he felt all buoyant. He liked her, despite the fact that he’d heard her once referring to him as “Mr. Compulsive”. She probably didn’t mean it in a bad sense. Anyway, he almost wished he were compulsive. He wouldn’t have gotten the wrong garbage type the day before. He just got a bit fixated, that’s all. He probably could have avoided being late by just putting the bag to the side and taking it out the following week. But bags hanging around the house were wrong. Just wrong. Silly fixation, he knew it. At least he was smart enough not to go on about it with his colleagues.

“Hello Sandra,” he said as he stopped by the desk to get the morning lists.

“Hi Luke. How’s your day coming along?”

“Oh, fine. Won’t be late again you know, now that I’ve picked up all the glass.”

“Uh…yeah, that’s good to know.”

Idiot.

He got back home as usual, but this time, before going into couch-slouch mode, he told himself he should check the back yard for any leftover pieces of glass while there was still light.

He opened the door and was greeted by a little fanfare.

“Congratulations!” a colorful LCD screen said. It seemed to be held mid-air by two drones. Below it, in the middle of the yard, small, gunmetal blue pole stood on an elevated metal platform of the same color. It had a ring of light around the tip which glowed green. It looked like a cross between a traffic light and Robocop.

The screen changed. “Please walk to the area of your green space where you wish to place the Collector.”

“Ah, yes, place the collector,” Luke repeated mechanically. “I’m sorry, what is this?”

The screen went black for a second, then it flashed again. “Bob’s Garbage Collection for People! Congratulations!” The fanfare played again.

“Oh, that thing!” Luke was genuinely surprised. “How did you…nevermind. So happy you’re here.” He walked over to a corner of his yard. The drones rotated the screen so it continued to face him. “Here,” he said.

The entire platform rose by a couple of inches and started moving towards him. He quickly got out of the way and put his head to ground level to see if it too could levitate like the screen. Instead, he saw hundreds of little mechanical feet.

“And all of this is free?” he chuckled to himself.

The screen flashed back at him. “Affirmative. It was agreed that no transactions would take place for the first year. All material is to be collected for free.”

Well, this customer service was next-level, that’s for sure.

“Collector installed. Now fully functional. Enjoy,” the screen informed him and began to rise.

“Wait! What materials? On which days?”

The screen paused for a while, then came down, patiently. “Any material. Any day.”

“…Even mixed?”

“Affirmative.”

“But how does it work?”

Another short pause. “You put things you don’t need on the platform. We take them away,” came the answer.

“Hmm, that so. That so…” Luke put his hands to his sides, pretending a high-level conversation had just taken place. “Very well. Thank you.”

Without further messages, the screen was lifted by the drones and disappeared into the clouds.

Paper was due on Monday, so Luke was currently out of any one bag which would be full enough to be eligible, but the screen said it would collect any material so Luke grabbed all the half-full bins of paper, plastic and other stuff, and was able to produce one decently sized load.

He approached the collector platform and deposited the bag on it. The ring on top of the pole turned red.

Luke waited a little, expecting some other drone to come and lift the bag away or something like that, but it never happened.

He shrugged and went back inside. A few minutes later he ran back outside, holding a small bag he’d forgotten under the sink.

The light was green, the platform was clear.

CLICK HERE FOR PART TWO

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“Hi, I’m Russell, and my mind is broken.” Russell held out his hand. Sometimes people would shake it, other times they’d hesitate or even go away. On some occasions there was really nobody there. Russell waited, smiling, to see which one the woman with dark glasses would turn out to be.

“Hello Russell,” the woman said; she didn’t shake his hand, Russell noted. “I’m Agent Dwyers, CIA. Do you remember me? We spoke yesterday. And this person next to me is Agent Kurt Byrne.” Both sat down in front of him on the black chairs in the small padded room of the psychiatric ward.

“I have a memory of your visit, yes,” Russell said. “That’s two of us with a delusion. Him I don’t remember seeing, are you sure he’s real?”

“What do you mean delusion? How can this guy be of any use, Dana? He’s a nutcase like everyone else in here. Let me slap him around and we’ll see if I’m real enough.”

“Relax Agent Byrne,” Dwyers replied, “Russell is not just just any nutcase, he’s a very special nutcase. Aren’t you, Russell?”

Russell remained silent and stared at the man, who stared back at him, clearly irked. “Well,” he finally said, “Maybe he’s real. Maybe he was here even yesterday, and we just didn’t notice him. Or maybe you and I are not real, and he’s here alone, imagining us.”

Agent Byrne threw his hands in the air and glared at his colleague, expectantly.

“Could be, could be,” Dwyers said, ignoring him, “Do you remember our conversation too?”

A nurse walked into the room with a tray and sat down next to Russell, who spontaneously offered his arm.

“So you remember that part as well. Yes, it was a nice conversation. It had some verbs in it, a lot of nouns albeit not many adjectives, except towards the end. Oh, and some parts were rather – intriguing.” He ignored the needle in his arm. Sometimes not seeing was the best way to avoid pain. Other times it made things worse.

“The intriguing parts, yes, ” Agent Dwyers insisted while Agent Byrne shook his head. “Do you remember what they were about?”

“Oh, you mean you don’t remember that part? Did I imagine them?” The nurse wiped his arm with some cotton imbued with alcohol, Russell let the vapours run up his sinuses.

“Oh, no, no, I just wanted to make sure you remembered correctly.”

“I see,” he rubbed his arm and let his gaze follow the cart as the nurse left the room. “Excuse me, did you just see this happen?”

“See what?” Dana Dwyers asked, she seemed determined not to lose her patience as she had the day before. The one named Kurt stood up and walked to the small barred window, growling his train of curses.

“Oh, nothing, nothing. Yes, the bit about that criminal you are hunting for was very interesting. How can he cause hallucinations in people without resorting to drugs, you asked. Could it be hypnosis, you asked.”

“Yes,” she waved for her colleague to sit back down again. It was a complex gesture, indicating both superiority in command and a vague threat of punishment to come, in case of insubordination. There was something else, too.

“Yes,” Russell repeated and smiled.

“Yes, and…?”

“And then a giant cockroach crossed the room, do you remember that too?”

“No… no, Russell, I think you made that bit up,” Dana sighed.

“Pity, that part, too, was quite interesting.”

“Cockroaches!” Kurt snorted as he sat down heavily, “How can this clown help us with our case? Half of what he sees ain’t real and the other half he can’t say straight.”

Russell brighened up at this definition of his condition. “You know? I think you’ve pretty much squared me out, Kurt. The problem is, well, the third half.”

“What would that be?” said Kurt.

“The half I don’t see. You two are lovers, aren’t you?”

The two agents stared back, dumbfounded.

“She’s your boss, and keeps the dominant role in the bedroom as well. You play rough and tough because you know it turns her on. Your colleagues never discovered anything of this except for the usual rumors which go around the building and which you, Dana, occasionally fanned to distract people from the truth. In a certain sense that is not too far removed from the hallucinations which have haunted me since I was born. Rumors in my brain which distract me from reality, whichever that may be. But my mind is broken, and I can sometimes see through the hallucinations, or see other people’s ones, or even not see them, but I know they’re there. I let them go freely, in and out of my breached conscience, and they have stopped bothering me long ago.”

“Ah… yes,” Dana took a deep breath, she was trying hard to maintain her cool. “You have done it again… I knew I shouldn’t have brought you, Kur… Agent Byrne, but you had to see what Russell is capable of.”

“Well, he’s good at guessing people out, I’ll admit to that,” Kurt said. His mask had dropped but he still was holding onto his dignity. “But still a patient in a mental hospital. How can he-”

“He has a natural gift for deduction and is an expert on hallucinations. So, Russell, you’ve had your fun… again. Could you please answer my questions now?” There, she was on the edge of losing her cool. It was not a good idea to let this happen with her boyfriend at her heel. Russell smirked. The woman knew exactly what she was doing when she brought her violent half along with her.

“The answer to both your questions is no. You can’t cause hallucinations in other people without drugs, not even with hypnosis.”

Agent Dwyers hung her head in defeat. Next to her, Agent Byrne straightened up a bit. Things were bound to change a little, in their crazy little relationship, Russell thought.

Both agents stood up at the same time and, without another word, left the room. A pity they didn’t wait long enough to let him find the words to complete his answer. You can’t cause hallucinations, he was going to say, but you can feed and encourage the ones people already have, make them see what they want to see, and hear what they want to hear. Sometimes it worked, others it didn’t. The nurse, for example, that one didn’t work.

Where was he now? He looked around; his surroundings didn’t look like a padded room anymore, Dana had expected to find a madman in a psychiatric ward and that’s where he’d let himself be found. Brilliant woman; pity for her delusions on her dead lover. Russell touched his pockets and found a fat wad of bills. Of course it was the result of his most recent robbery but he was amazed nonetheless by the fact that for some reason it hadn’t disappeared. No need for action tonight, it seemed.

He stood up and the black tin can he’d been sitting on toppled over and rolled next to the other two. He wasn’t sure this abandoned warehouse was real, but the door appeared open to him, and he walked outside.

*******

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Grey Deer https://ilahey.com/2020/12/31/grey-deer-short-story/ https://ilahey.com/2020/12/31/grey-deer-short-story/#respond Thu, 31 Dec 2020 17:42:16 +0000 https://ilahey.com/2020/12/31/greydeer/ An old Indian takes on the god of death himself.

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John Grey Deer  surveyed the reservation. It had taken him four days and as many nights to drag his old bones to the top of this pinnacle but the view was worth it.

Refusing to pay attention to his complaining joints he calmly unrolled a red and brown woolen mat, as ancient as him and,  looking at the setting sun far off into the distance, sat down and lit his pipe. 

“You’ve come a long way to die old one.”- the voice sounded like boulders crumbling. Grey Deer took a long puff from his pipe before slowly turning round to face a very stern looking buzzard.

“You have no sense of tact, do you Mosau’u?”

The Death Spirit ruffled his feathers. “I thought I’d dress up for the occasion.” The voice seemed to come from an underground cave beneath the great bird.

Grey deer held the creature’s gaze. “But first, I have a request.”

“I know what you want Masichuvio and the answer is no. Little Tiponi’s time is due. I shall visit her after you.”

“You call me by my Hopi name, you listen to me!” The old man raised his voice slightly. “…or I will refuse to die.”

“That is unacceptable, the other gods will never allow it!” the underground boulders churned.

“Chrome poisoning is not natural, you must tell them her time isn’t due!”

“Only a warrior who completes an impossible task can postpone someone’s death and that’s final.” The spirit of death punctuated with a loud sqwawk.

Grey Deer stood up with surprising agility and faced Mosau’u, nose to beak. “Then give me a task now.”

The buzzard leapt back with a flap of wings. “Now?” Mosau’u looked around at the bare sandy top of the rocky pinnacle. He slowly turned his beak back to the old warrior with a new gleam in his eye.

“Very well, Masichuvio. Walk off this peak without falling. If you succeed, little Tiponi lives, if you fail…well you know what happens next.” The buzzard’s talons scraped the soil in anticipation.

“Walk off this?” the old man said, carefully making his way to the edge of the drop.

“Yes,” the rumble managed to sound gleeful.

“All right…” Grey Deer took a few steps out and turned around, suspended in mid-air, grinning.

“NO! That is impossible! Only spirits can-“

“Look behind you Mosau’u,” the old man said. The buzzard spun around and there, on the ancient mat, John Grey Deer’s body was still sitting and peacefully smiling at the horizon, a thin twirl of smoke could be seen, coming from the pipe resting in his lifeless hand.

“I think you should be the one to tell the other gods,” said Grey Deer’s spirit, “I’ll make an appearance at Tiponi’s house tonight. Enjoy your meal “

With a victorious warrior’s whoop, the old man disappeared, leaving the buzzard alone. Mosau’u stood gazing balefully at the dead man, all hunger gone. “Ahul and the others will be furious at this news,” the death spirit groaned and flew away, leaving the old smiling man’s body intact.

***

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Welcome to Chicago https://ilahey.com/2020/04/14/welcome-to-chicago/ https://ilahey.com/2020/04/14/welcome-to-chicago/#respond Tue, 14 Apr 2020 18:56:16 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=489 Tessa had a few hours to learn a few phrases in Hungarian. What could possibly go wrong?

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Tessa glared at the computer screen, the screen cheerfully beamed back in engaging colors and smart fonts. ‘Now repeat!’ it said, in bright blue. Tessa hated bright blue. She hated that specific font and absolutely detested repeating things, especially in Hungarian.

She totally loathed Hungarian.

“It’s just a few sentences,” her boss, whom she also despised,  had said. “You can learn them in one afternoon, and we can impress our clients when they arrive tomorrow.”

It was now three hours to tomorrow, and the afternoon hadn’t brought anything but regret.

For instance, Tessa deeply regretted the one adjective she’d added in her resumè: ‘quick-learning’, a year earlier, and which had led her to be hired by Assist Insurance Inc. and promptly set to work. Officially as secretary, and unofficially as the company’s multi-tool. If anything new turned up, all her boss had to do was deploy the quick learner, she’d get things done. So now the new thing was a hefty contract with a Hungarian bridge construction company whose name alone would make your gums bleed, and which, for some reason, had decided to send a few members of its board all the way to Chicago, for a tour of Assist Insurance headquarters, which was stupid, Tessa thought, since there were no plans to build a bridge inside the building.

‘Now repeat!”

The sentence looked like what a cat would write on a keyboard, if it were tied up and slammed repeatedly over the keys. Tessa clicked the “listen again” button to hear the expert Hungarian speaker say the sentence again. It sounded like what the cat would say.

Tessa tried to repeat the ugly sounds. ‘Wrong!’ the screen flashed back at her, but still in cheerful colors.

She repeated the sentence again in a slightly louder tone. It was supposed to mean “Welcome to Chicago, We hope you had a pleasant flight from Hungary.” Not even ‘Hungary’ sounded like ‘Hungary’ in Hungarian, it was ‘Magyarországra’. 

‘Wrong!’

She listened to the sample again, it didn’t even sound like something a human mouth could pronounce. She did her best to replicate it, in an even louder voice.

‘Wrong!’

Furious, she grabbed the laptop screen by the sides, drew it close to her face and screamed the sentence once more, then grabbed the power chord and yanked it from the wall socket. 

It ripped, there was a bright electric arc and all the room went dark. There was a sharp smell. Ozone, she thought, although she had imagined it to smell differently. This was more of a rotten egg smell.

‘Wrong!’ said the screen of the laptop with battery-powered smugness.

Tessa felt her way to the socket. She pulled out what was left of the plug from the wall, to make sure there was no short-circuit.

Then, begrudgingly assisted by the light coming from the screen, she made it to the the electrical cabinet down the corridor near the entrance to her apartment. She flipped the circuit breaker back up and saw the light return to her living room.

Another thing she saw, as soon as she had taken a few steps, was the large, steaming, horned creature on her sofa.

“You know, I heard you the first time, no need to shout like that,” it said.

Tessa was so surprised she simply forgot to scream. Her legs went from under her and she found herself sitting on the floor.

“Now, don’t act so shocked,” it said as it rose from its seat, “you summoned me by my name. What were you expecting?” The creature’s horns were an inch away from scratching her ceiling.

“Wha… how… name?” Tessa stuttered.

“Jaar-Athoth, Fifth level demon. What is wrong with you? Did the summon backfire and send your brains off somewhere?”

“Su-summon?” Tessa realized she was hyperventilating and held  her breath for a few seconds. The monster stared at her quizzically with its black eyes and red irises. It looked down, as if to inspect her carpet.

Tessa exhaled slowly and took another, slower breath. “Summon?” she repeated, “I most certainly did not summon you. A Demon?”

Jaar-Athoth raised a clawed finger, which then turned downwards as he pointed to the floor.

“Excuse me,” he complained, “where is my pentacle?”

Tessa blinked her eyes at the sudden change of tone. “Pentacle?”
“Yes! Pentacle! Would you stop repeating what I say and start providing some answers? Because I’m beginning to question our current arrangement.”

Tessa did not like that sort of treatment, not from her boss, not from Hungarian clients, and most certainly not from a seven-foot tall, red-skinned horned beast.

“What?” she said, “What? You show up all of a sudden, whatever you are, steam up my living room, not to mention the rotten eggs, scare me half to death and you have demands?”

“Demands?” the demon thundered, “I have existential doubts! For example how did you manage to get me across without a pentacle of protection?”

“Well listen here!” Tessa shouted back, “I’m wondering too what sort of beast you are, if you need to be protected!”

Jaar-Athoth blinked at her in disbelief. “The pentacle should be there to protect your world, to enclose the portal so your reality doesn’t pour down into hell like hot cheese and especially to protect you from me, you nitwit!” His voice had become hoarse with all the shouting.

“Well I didn’t summon you, so no pentacle. Ha!”

The demon plopped back down on the sofa, which almost folded onto itself under his weight. “You have no idea of what’s going on…” he muttered, “…no pentacle…I don’t know how you pulled that trick.” 

He looked back at her, as if he was considering grounding her with no TV. “I could devour your soul, and then consume your body, you know that?”

That was hardly the type of conversation one was expected to have around a coffee table. 

“Oh?” Tessa said. The idea of her sharing the same room with a red-skinned beast from hell, now that she’d gotten over the initial surprise and anger,  was starting to gnaw at her. She began to feel the urge to escape.

“…but I won’t,” said Jaar-Athoth.

“Oh! Oh well, thanks…”

“At least not yet. I’m free, you see, unconstrained. And I suppose quite famous back where I’m from. Nobody’s had a summoning in, oh, at least three thousand years. You can imagine how bored we all were when, all of a sudden, I hear my name being called,” Jaar-Athoth grinned with the memory and Tessa could see the gleam of his white fangs. “You should have heard the cheers, and also the insults!”

“Jealous?” Tessa said.

“Livid green jealous. Hah!” The demon slapped his knee and stood up. “Well, off I go. I might be back, or not. Don’t know.”

“Wait, where are you going?”

“Outside. No pentacle remember? I am free to wreak havoc and bring hell back on earth. Oh the songs they’ll sing in my name down below. All off tune, of course.” He unfurled a pair of ridiculously small wings. “Mind if I use your window?”

“Ah, no problem…do you really have to do all those things?” Tessa said, but he had already leapt outside.

The room felt strangely empty now, but that’s how rooms probably feel after a horned giant moved out. Tessa had a strange feeling at the back of her head, something about unleashing a demon from hell, which may or may not be all her fault. She shrugged it off. There were more pressing matters at hand. She grabbed her laptop and shut off the stupid language learning program. It had turned out to be more trouble than it was worth. A quick search pointed her in the right direction. She grabbed her phone, navigated the app store to the correct download, paid the $4.99 and a few seconds later a new icon had appeared on her phone. ‘GlobalVoice’ it said. She tapped it, and a menu appeared. She selected input and output languages. Now the screen showed a microphone symbol. 

“Welcome to Chicago, We hope you had a pleasant flight from Hungary,” she said.

“Üdvözöljük Chicagóban, reméljük, kellemes járatot kapott Magyarországról“ the phone spoke back. 

“Nifty!” Tessa said, and went to sleep.

Twelve stories below, an increasingly bewildered Jaar-Athoth squealed as a high-speed car grazed him, the horn blaring haughtily. Fumes from the exhaust gases choked him, neon lights from the many street signs hurt his eyes. The demonic creature stood, wondering which other demon had preceded him, and had successfully turned earth into a living hell. 

***

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Top 10 books that are trending in sci-fi and fantasy lovers’ reading lists https://ilahey.com/2020/04/01/top-10-books-that-are-trending-in-sci-fi-and-fantasy-lovers-reading-lists/ https://ilahey.com/2020/04/01/top-10-books-that-are-trending-in-sci-fi-and-fantasy-lovers-reading-lists/#respond Wed, 01 Apr 2020 07:10:37 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=467 Bogged down by the lockdown? Not too keen about this quarantine? Yea, sorry, stopping that nonsense. It’s just that I too feel the pressure of an entire month, now, spent at home, which leads meContinue readingTop 10 books that are trending in sci-fi and fantasy lovers’ reading lists

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Bogged down by the lockdown? Not too keen about this quarantine? Yea, sorry, stopping that nonsense. It’s just that I too feel the pressure of an entire month, now, spent at home, which leads me to spend my idle time doing very little except disconsolately play with words. I’m fazing with the lazing.

What to do with ourselves, when each day looks like the last, time seems to evaporate, marked only by the succession of meals, when we’ve binged on every possible bingeable show, (excluding “Disjointed”, which not even a one year Ebola outbreak would get me to watch), and prank-called every other person in town?

Unsurprisingly, people are rediscovering books. In an earlier article I had discussed how the current lockdown caused by the coronavirus pandemic was affecting book sales. The result was that sales were actually remaining quite stable for a good portion of the indie author market, while registering a sharp increase with more well-known authors. In other words, readers want to play it safe, even indoors, and go to the classics, or at least the well-heard ofs.

A survey among fantasy and sci-fi lovers produced an interesting collection of the top 10 books that are trending in sci-fi and fantasy lovers’ reading lists. Apart from being a very good collection of recommendations, it also shows how we all would rather bear those established writers we have, than fly to indies we know not of.

Which is a shame, really, since we (luckily) won’t have as many chances to explore new and interesting authors, all while saving the world while comfortably sitting on our asses. That’s why I am suggesting a second title by an indie author, next to every known one. They may be similar in style, or “you might also like” ideas, or just invitations to check this other book too.

H.P. Lovecraft – Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories

If you’re a fan of horror then you know where to turn for the source of all things terrifying…yes, right behind you.

The Indie Alternative:
E.A.Copen – Beasts of Babylon.

Let’s go hunt some monsters in the company of an undead gunslinger, shall we?

Philip K. Dick – Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep

A seminal piece of work, at the origin of the Cyberpunk genre as well as Ridley Scott’s visionary motion picture: Blade Runner.

The Indie Alternative
Jim Keen – The Paradise Factory (Cortex book 1)

Just out in 2020, Keen’s novels are the result of a complex world-building process.

Terry Pratchett – The Discworld series

An incredibly vast cast of the most unusual characters, from the possibly even human Nobbs to the anthropomorphic personification of Death itself, is the vector to a fantastic series of hilarious adventures in this alternative universe.


The Indie Alternative:
Ian Lahey – Hero of Stolen Time

An impossibly powerful potion, a sentient headache and getting diced by a necromancer are the least horrible part of a day in the life of the world’s most unwilling hero.

The Other Indie Alternative
Kevin McCallion – Moristoun

An island where all those who committed suicide live in eternal hopelessness. But desperate McSorely gets a sneak preview of Moristoun before making his drastic move… – desperately funny.

Douglas Adams – The HitchHiker’s Guide to the Galaxy

The Meaning of life? Easy. Forty-two. What exactly is the question? That’s a tad tougher, but don’t worry, you and the planet are part of the computer designed to calculate it. That’s unless the Vogons don’t decide to demolish it first.


The Indie Alternative:
Michelle Proulx – Imminent Danger: And How to Fly Straight into It

High school junior Eris Miller thinks she’s having a bad day when her roommate’s boyfriend catches her stepping out of the shower wearing nothing but a towel. Then she gets abducted by scaly six-armed aliens with a strange fondness for the color blue, and her day suddenly gets a whole lot worse.

The Other Indie Alternative:
Ian Lahey – To Cipher and to Sing

The one thing which is worse than watching androids take over your job is having to teach them your job yourself.
Professor Gordon Fairlight has no intention of accepting such a task, but instead he finds himself dragged into a deadly sequence of events which include a murder mystery, a bad-mouthed super-AI, and a new friend who may – or may not – be instrumental to the end of human life on Earth.
Who to trust when you could be the next target? Get the prequel for free here.

Anne Rice – Interview with the Vampire

Here are the confessions of a vampire. Hypnotic, shocking, and chillingly erotic, this is a novel of mesmerizing beauty and astonishing force—a story of danger and flight, of love and loss, of suspense and resolution, and of the extraordinary power of the senses.

The Indie Alternative:
Shane Carrow – Vampire on the Orient Express

Through fire and darkness, through blood and ice, the Orient Express is bearing an ancient evil across the continent – and not all its passengers will live to see Constantinople…

Neil Gaiman – Neverwhere

Neverwhere is home to Door, the mysterious girl Richard helped in the London Above. Here in Neverwhere, Door is a powerful noblewoman who has vowed to find the evil agent of her family’s slaughter and thwart the destruction of this strange underworld kingdom. If Richard is ever to return to his former life and home, he must join Lady Door’s quest to save her world—and may well die trying.

The Indie Alternative:
P.W.Catanese – Donny’s Inferno

Although she appears to be a teenager, Angela is actually an ancient dignitary from the underworld who needs the help of a mortal. And she’s chosen twelve-year-old Donny Taylor.

Deborah Harkness – All Souls trilogy

Twilight meets Outlander and Harry Potter, and they all go out to drink a potion or two. Harkness has created a universe to rival those of Anne Rice, Diana Gabaldon, and Elizabeth Kostova, and she adds a scholar’s depth to this riveting tale of magic and suspense.

The Indie Alternative:
Mona Marple – The Witches of Mystic Springs

Welcome to St Winifred’s, a magic school with an unpopular headmaster who won’t survive the night.
With a storm raging over the choppy waters, and the Magick Squad too worried about Health & Safety to come out and investigate, it’s down to the guest of honour to investigate the murder.

Joe Abercrombie – Shattered Sea trilogy

A series of fantasy books which even J.R.R. Martin had trouble putting down. This series is full of lightning-fast action and and packed with a wonderful collection of rogues, villains and two-faced bastards.

The Indie Alternative
S.L. Briden – Shadows of a Phoenix trilogy

A noble knight. A haughty sorceress. A dark prophecy that binds them together. High fantasy and Arthurian legend mix in this epic new series.

Earnest Cline – Ready Player One

Like most of humanity, Wade Watts escapes this depressing reality by spending his waking hours jacked into the OASIS, a sprawling virtual utopia where you can be anything you want to be, where you can live and play and fall in love on any of ten thousand planets. And like most of humanity, Wade is obsessed by the ultimate lottery ticket that lies concealed within this alternate reality: OASIS founder James Halliday, who dies with no heir, has promised that control of the OASIS – and his massive fortune – will go to the person who can solve the riddles he has left scattered throughout his creation.

The Indie Alternative
Jeremy Fabiano – Tempest Chronicles trilogy

On his deathbed, he is made an offer he dare not refuse: fade away as the darkness takes him or have his consciousness transferred into a game—Tempest Online.
Leaving the broken husk he once called a body behind, Steve becomes Abalonious, a warrior possessed of strength, cunning, and the power to make a difference, but with that power comes a far greater responsibility.
The deal he accepted comes with a catch: if he fails, the game he’s grown to cherish is over and he’ll die—permanently.

BONUS ITEM: Apocalyptic genre, sponsored by COVID-19

John Wyndham – The Day of the Triffids

When a freak cosmic event renders most of the Earth’s population blind, Bill Masen is one of the lucky few to retain his sight. The London he walks is crammed with groups of men and women needing help, some ready to prey on those who can still see. But another menace stalks blind and sighted alike. With nobody to stop their spread the Triffids, mobile plants with lethal stingers and carnivorous appetites, seem set to take control.

The Indie Alternative
Laury Falter – Apocalypse Chronicles

On an ordinary day in early September, Kennedy Shaw leaves for school unaware that within a few minutes the world she knows will be gone – succumbed to an outbreak of epidemic proportions.

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Matt Murphy Private Eye https://ilahey.com/2020/03/11/matt-murphy-private-eye/ https://ilahey.com/2020/03/11/matt-murphy-private-eye/#respond Wed, 11 Mar 2020 15:42:54 +0000 https://ilahey.com/?p=451 A fun little detective story where everything happens while you're reading it.

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A short story where everything happens as you read it.

Matt Murphy is a private eye. When Matt investigates, cases get solved. Or shit gets real ugly. On good days he manages both.

Today he’s just got himself locked in a room by someone who shut the door behind him while he was exploring.  It’s a panic room so no windows… and the door is bullet proof.

Yep. The shitty part is moving along just fine.

The room’s not his, nor is the house around it. It’s his client’s. Miss Candy Kleinhart’s.

Miss Kleinhart came to him the evening before. “They want to kill me,” she said. Her pleading eyes did the rest.

That and five hundred a day plus expenses. Miss Kleinhart has the money. And the looks.

And now she’s safe and sound in a motel, and they don’t have her.

They have Matt Murphy, and Matt Murphy has a gun.

He knows what they’re thinking, he knows they wanna ask him where the hell he put the sexy bimbo, so he makes them feel confident. He lies down on a small sofa and waits. After a while a key softly jingles before unlocking the door.
There’s a creaky floorboard right in front of the sofa and when it creaks he springs up, grabs an arm and down the body comes under him. Pinned by his butt and his caliber nine. Both deadly weapons.

“Hell!” he says, “What are you doing here?”

It’s the sexy bimbo.

Miss Kleinhart says, “I got a call on my mobile. Thought you were in trouble.”

“We are now, they’re already in the house, or around it.” he looks at the open door.  Nobody there. Yet.

“What’s that hiss?” says Miss Kleinhart.

He looks up and sees the white smoke pouring out of the air vent. “Shit!” He pushes her out of the room and bounces backwards on the couch.
A split second later he emerges from the room trailing sweet smelling wisps.

“Did you breathe it?” she asks.

“A whiff. Run!”

They rush to the front door. Closed.

“Keys?” he says.

“They were in the door.”

“Gone now.” he says. His vision is blurring.

Multicolored flashlights outside. “They’re coming!” she shouts.

Matt fumbles for her hand. “Lead! Hide us!”. He has trouble thinking now, and he’s hallucinating.

A small herd of orange buffaloes gallop by his side. He hears a jingling noise with every step. The buffaloes start humming “jingle bells” to it.

Miss Kleinhart turns sharply right and they’re in a dark room. She closes the door and crouches behind him. “Can you shoot?”

“Think so,” he replies, “quarter past eleven,” he adds, the polite llama in a business suit thanks him and disappears.

Something in the back of his head nags at him.

“Footsteps!” she says. “Kill him!”

He lifts his shooter and points at the door, still the nagging feeling.

Miss Kleinhart screams as the door is flung open.

Matt Murphy drops his gun and holds his open hands high against the bright light.

“What!…  Why?” She shrieks.

“I don’t kill cops.”

A police officer is standing in the doorway. “An anonymous letter in my car windshield said a murder was being committed here.”

“Nearly so,” Matt replies.  He stands up, still woozy. “do you know this woman?”

“Yes. I’m investigating Candy Kleinhart’s business for fraud.”

“So you organized this so I could eliminate him and stop the investigation, right?” Matt says, but Miss Kleinhart remains silent until she’s handcuffed and ready to get into the police car, then she looks at him.

“How did you find out?”

“A lot of small things, but especially this:” he takes her by the shoulders and gives a good shake. The house keys concealed in her bra dance with the rest of its contents.

“Jingle Bells.” he says.

***

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