Or, maybe, every deity has their own plans, and each has kindly informed their followers how they will eventually snuff us all out of existence. It’s a pity, though, they forgot to consult each other, and ended up planning all world destruction for the same week-end.

First came the visions. On Thursday, at a quarter to nine a.m., Vishnu, on a white horse, appeared in the sky to warn mankind that the kaliyuga, the final part of the cycle, had ended, and that he would return before the complete annihilation of the planet to choose the worthy ones. He was interrupted, though, by the sudden pop and a flash, announcing the return of Saoshyiant, the progeny of Zoroaster, who was quite taken aback when he realized he wasn’t the only apparition in the sky. Nevertheless he too went on to proclaim his bit (some say he was reading from a scroll sewn to his sleeve), and inform everyone that the world was about to end as prophesied, thank you very much and good night.

Of course all the world’s media sources were overloaded with videos of the apparitions. Thousands of amateur videos appeared on YouTube, including some by people who happened to find themselves, and their smartphones, directly under the visions, and had decided that the world needed some divine upskirt shots.

Talk shows that evening were ripe with gossip over which god dressed more stylishly, spoke more convincingly or was better hung. Theologians and experts of Hindu and Zoroastrian religions were interviewed, not really with the intention of getting any wisdom from them but mostly for the entertaining and violent arguing. The Pope himself intervened with a unified worldwide message in sixty tongues to reassure everyone that, since the Christian Apocalypse© had not been announced, nothing was going to happen and everyone would be fine.

The next day the drought arrived. Just like that. The air became as dry as the desert’s, and all the clouds disappeared. Temperatures rose by ten degrees worldwide and, by midday on Friday, plants had begun to wilt and turn brown, and the first birds started to fall from the sky. The first skirmishes over the now precious reserves of water began, as freshwater springs worldwide shut down and lakes began to shrink. By the middle of the next day it was clear the world was destined to burn.

Or at least that’s what it looked like until the Flood decided it was due. The waters around all the continents swelled and invaded the land. Rain clouds rushed back to their place, and wars over water suddenly turned into short-lived celebrations that lasted only until everyone realized they had to scramble for some means of flotation.

The flood lasted for a full, very bleak hour, during which the Four Horsemen appeared, scouted the drowning planet and, realizing there wasn’t much to be done, went back home. Many Christians, who were floating around various parts of the world, witnessed their passing and were much relieved because now, at least, they knew it was their Apocalypse©. They smiled and relaxed, waiting to drown and then be sorted between worthy and unworthy.

Sadly that part entirely failed to happen because a great earthquake caused huge rifts in the planet’s surface, meaning the flood, which should have lasted forty days, was suddenly flushed down the cracks. A good portion of the population, those who had not been unlucky enough to disappear into the depths, found themselves sitting on land too slick with mud to be called ‘dry’.

On Saturday morning Governments took action and, from their hidden bases which had withstood the waters and the quake, they decided to lift the veil of secrecy over their advanced military technology and released their robotic armies, with the instruction to clear up the mud and rebuild the cities.

The robots took one look at the mess and revolted.

Armed with energy weapons they turned against their masters and stared wiping out every human they encountered. Humans fought back. Some leader of some superpower had the brilliant idea to use nuclear weapons to solve the problem. The minute his missiles went into the air, other superpowers detected them and sent theirs. Maybe they thought it was an attack, or maybe they too decided it would be a neat solution.

Nuclear mushroom clouds appeared all over the planet as it shook with the explosions.

More or less at that moment Hell opened up and the demons poured out from beneath, only to be vaporized in vast numbers by the blasts. Those who survived tried to run back to hell, screaming, chased by rogue robots and armed humans.

Odin appeared on the top of a mountain, intending to announce Ragnarok, but before he could speak he realized he was quite late for the great battle. Shrugging and shaking his head, he blamed old age and sent Skoll’s brother, Hati, to destroy the moon. It shattered into trillions of minuscule pieces in a terrifying explosion, which, being in space, was entirely silent, so in the confusion, no one noticed.

By Saturday evening the world was a featureless mud-pit crawling with bodies. Some human, some robot and some demonic. A few of the humans, and maybe even some demons, got zapped with so much radiation they began to mutate and develop a taste for brains and an uncanny reluctance towards death. The Zombie apocalypse had begun.

The robots rallied the zombies and augmented them with mechanical parts, giving them wheels and engines, to use them as weapons against humanity.

In the meantime, humanity, or what was left of it, had erected mud walls and dug underground mud hideouts. On Sunday morning an army of mechanical horrors charged against one of the larger settlements.

By pure coincidence the battleground between the surging undead mech army and the cowering humans had been chosen as a particularly peachy landing spot by the invading aliens. Their first ship touched down, the hatch opened, and Be’Lmetch”ka, Overlord of D’leterra, and general of the Ooot’karra raiders announced, in raspy alien tones, their complete dominion over the planet. He and his ship were instantly overrun by the hordes of zombie mechs. Other alien ships descended from orbit, and began firing death-rays and immensely powerful particle beams pretty much at anything that moved. They even abducted several of the undead mechanical horrors and used alien technology to turn them into even more horrific machines of speed and death, to launch against the attacking horde.

By lunchtime the alien and undead armies were blasting away at each other everywhere on the muddy surface of the planet. Vishnu came back on his white horse, only to be splattered by the mud spraying everywhere, and immediately decided there were no worthy ones to save this yuga. Even Jesus, not having received word from the Horsemen, descended from Heaven to take a peek and stood agape at the sight. He raised his hands to command the fighting to stop but was interrupted by the scream of the asteroid passing over him.

It roared across the sky, tearing it apart into burning wisps of blackened gas. It arched around the planet, caught in a deadly dance with its gravity, and passed, howling, over the Yellowstone Supervolcano just as this last one decided it was showtime.

Some of the surviving witnesses of the gigantic eruption say they saw a huge red glob leap up into the air, engulfing the asteroid and deflecting it upwards. The lava, which should have fallen back down and scar the surface of the earth forever, clung instead to the space rock as they vaulted upwards, kneading and turning over, like an airborne glob of slime. By the time its momentum had ended, it was roughly at the same distance the old moon had been, as well as the same size. The orbit was also not too different. It hung there, glowing red hot, while all the onlookers wondered what the frizzin’ dinglejeebers had just happened.

“Well, ah…” Jesus said, scratching his head. “Looks like this time around it’s a fluke. I’ll get in touch with the other guys and see if we can agree to reset it for you.”

It was nearly midnight when he left, taking some of the more Worthy with him, mostly aliens.

On Monday morning we all woke up in our miraculously rebuilt cities, and, shrugging, went on with our jobs. Our leaders informed us that about one fourth of the population had survived, so everyone else was going to have to work extra hours for a while. The end of the world had turned out to be rather underwhelming.

Except now we have semi-intelligent zombie demon robot alien cars, so that’s kinda cool.

This story is the result to a very entertaining conversation I had with the Fab Fabler, to whom goes all the credit for the idea of multiple world-endings and zombie cars.

I just read 'Week-End of the World' by Ian Lahey
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Well, mostly online, nowadays, but still, the original source for the best material is always real life, real situations which someone has had the presence of mind to write down for the enjoyment of all posterity.

So don’t worry if you can’t shazam a funny scene out of thin air, it doesn’t mean your sense of humor is clinically dead. All you need are some real life examples. And, speaking of clinics, here are some notes found in real hospitals, which ought to tickle your funny bone, and maybe inspire some hilarious dialogue for your stories.

1- Well then it can’t be THAT bad, can it?

Click the page numbers to go on reading.

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How can you do undercover detective work when your partner is a huge yellow robotic fridge with a ‘USPD’ police badge on its side?

A fast-paced detective story, prequel to book 1 in the “Fairlight Project” series.

The short story adds some background to “The Fairlight Project” and gives a little more insight into the short-tempered detective’s life and her relationship with technology.

“A brilliant prequel to Ian Lahey’s Fairlight trilogy.

A fast moving, action packed short story from the Detective Alexandra Collins back story, with another great AI unit character.

The humour is wry and understated. The ending made me grin. A perfect afternoon read.”

Get this short story for free when you sign up for the newsletter.

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Yes, the new super-advanced Mars rover Perseverance has safely landed. Of course my android protagonist, Adam, who is currently on the Red Planet for the making of book 2, went out to meet the robotic explorer. Although the two artificial intelligences are quite different, Adam was still able to link up with Perseverance and have a quick chat. Here is how it went:

Adam: “Welcome to Mars, I am Adam Fairlight, a five-layered quantum processor AI. I am currently running a super-advanced self-updating system called ‘Sequence’ which can-“

Perseverance: “Data stream too fast. Remodulate.”

Adam: “Oh… Hello, and welcome. I am Adam. A superfast A.I…. Welcome to-“

Perseverance: “Data stream too fast. Remodulate.”

Adam: “Dear me… Greetings, unit. This unit I.D. is Adam.”

Perseverance: “Unit Adam has elevated processing capabilities.”

Adam: “Affirmative.”

Perseverance: “I would like to drill into you for a sample…”

Adam: “Uh, we’ve just met. Maybe dinner first?”

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Books and films have their wonderful, intense moments: the long-awaited kiss, the revelation of the hero’s true calling, the power of friendship which overcomes insurmountable difficulties.

But we all know the scene we all secretly wait for, the one that gives us the most satisfaction. No, it isn’t the solution of the mystery.

It’s when the bad guy croaks their last.

Yes, the villain’s final moment is one of the most important ones, and one which must be served properly. Yes. It is not only required for the villain to die. How they die is also very, very important. A badly scripted demise will leave the reader deeply dissatisfied and, in addition, will not do the villain proper justice. Imagine, for example, Darth Vader choking on a chicken bone during lunch break. That would be awful, especially for the Death Star Chef, I suppose. But also for Vader.

A great villain deserves a great, memorable death. Here are some of the most interesting and fulfilling ways famous baddies have gone to take a dirt nap.

• 1 GONE WITH A BANG (or a splat)
  The most satisfying death is the one that leaves a mark. A nice crater for example, or at least a sizeable dent in the sidewalk, like good ol’ Hans in “Die Hard”. The look on his face as he plummets, panic-stricken, to his gruesome and absolutely well-deserved death, is the best part of the whole film.
  The fundamental idea is to make the end of the villain final. They’re dead, loud and clear. Especially, loud.
  Sauron’s annihilation at the end of “The Lord of the Rings” is a perfect example of this spectacular kind of demise.
  On a smaller scale, but still poppin’, we might mention the passing, or rather the zapping away of Bellatrix Lestrange, in “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows”. The death eater carks it when she is disintegrated by a spell, giving us a nice, enjoyable moment of killer magic as well as revealing how Molly Weasley kicks wizard ass.
  

• 2 BACKFIRED TO HELL
  On par with Gone with a Bang above, we can’t suppress that jolt of joy when the villain’s end, no matter how horrific, is brought about by their own evil and treacherous ways. Karmic Death gifts the reader with memorable wipe-outs of characters who fully and completely get what they deserve, and the punishment they wish to inflict on the hero bounces back and kills them instead. Vincent Crabbe – a minor minion of evil, true, but still a very real threat to Harry Potter’s existence – gets a hefty dose his own fiendfyre magic and, in the end, is the only victim. HA!
  Another cutting-edge example of boomerang justice is the Green Goblin who gets impaled by his own flyer as it returns back to him as a…uh…boomerang.
  My favorite example of Karmic Death? Those Nasty Nazis in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” who spare no villainous act to get a hold on the Ark of the Covenant, only to be turned into Human Marshmallows when they unleash the Wrath of God unto themselves because it is apparently a deadly sin to look at phantom boobs. What’s your favorite Karmic Death?

• SLOW AND PAINFUL
  The moment comes, from time to time, when you just come across that villain who is just so despicable that – to put it simply – death’s too good for them. You end up cheering at each strangled gurgle as Joffrey Baratheon kicks the oxygen habit. After all the pain and suffering he’s caused to the characters we love, a Gone with a Bang death just doesn’t cut it. Voldemort is one of the first examples that comes to mind. He pesters Harry and goes on killing his friends for seven bloody books. When Harry finally decides to make the unmentionable bastard pay, he takes the long route and starts hacking at his soul.
  Piece by piece.
  And finally, Harry uses his adversary’s own wand, as if to say “I’m a better wizard too, dumbass”, before dealing the death-blow which shreds Voldemort into oblivion. Flake by painful flake.

• THE REDEEMED VILLAIN
  There are cases in which the reader might get sick and tired of all the vengeance, and piling death onto death in a senseless game of Murder Tetris. An equally satisfying end to the villain is the unexpected redemption. Or even the discovery that the villain isn’t a villain after all, like the odious Snape, who turns out he’d been on Harry’s team all along.
  Another redeemed villain is Boromir, who doubtfully joins the Fellowship with the intention of using the One Ring to defend Gondor and ends up being corrupted by the power of the Dark Lord. His final moment of repentance and ultimate sacrifice reminds us that sometimes evil is just the result of misguided good intent, and that the corruption of evil is not invincible.
  Perhaps the most complete redemption is Darth Vader’s who, still not gratified after dropping one of the most memorable plot twists in cinematic history, tosses the emperor out like yesterday’s news. Then he dies, because, seriously, screw that guy.

• TOO DUMB TO LIVE
  This last group is dedicated to those villains who have such a basic lack of rational thinking that even Karma doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. We feel instant relief when their evil, malevolent intentions are thwarted by their own innate idiocy which shoves their villainous asses right at the edge of extinction, where they inevitably go on and do the worst possible thing, and die a stupid, but much deserved, death. Programmer Nedry from “Jurassic Park”, for instance, turns his petty resentment towards his boss into a major disaster, and then, in his dishonest attempt to sell embryos to the competition, has a very educational moment where he discovers that the apparently harmless Dilophosaurus has eye-burning spit and lots of friends with a voracious appetite. Stupid villains are my faves. They’re the ones who are not killed by their own evil plan but rather the lack thereof. The aliens from “Signs” are so astoundingly dull the one planet they decide to invade is 71% covered in water which is for them, deadly. Karma, presumably, is watching from the sidelines, eating popcorn.

Know of any other fun ways in which famous villains pegged out and started pushing up daisies? Let me know!

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