AN ENTIRE PAGE DEDICATED TO THE GENERAL DATA PROTECTION REGULATION (GDPR)

The GDPR guidelines have become such a burden I have decided to set up an entire page full of rules, checkboxes, and legalese just to make sure I cover this and future data protection regulations.

HERE IS A PHOTO OF A COOKIE, JUST IN CASE THEY REQUIRE THIS TOO.

An overview of data protection

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General

The following Privacy Policy is intended to give you an overview of what happens to your personal information when you visit our website.
This Privacy Policy is applicable to visitors of the website as well as the subscribers to the newsletter mailing list.
This Privacy Policy describes how we process personal data concerning the visitors of the website.
This Privacy Policy may be updated if required in order to reflect the changes in data processing practices or otherwise.

Data collection on the website

Who is responsible for the data collection on this website?
I have no idea. But I guess I am the controller of the data processing described in this privacy policy.

How do I collect your data?
Some data are collected when you provide it (registration to the newsletter mailing list).
Other data are collected automatically by WordPress when you visit the website. This data is primarily technical data such as the browser and operating system you are using or when you accessed the page. These data is collected automatically as soon as you use my website.

What do I use your data for?
I print it out and then draw pretty doodles around it all day. Oh, also, WordPress gives me a few statistics on the number of hits and the countries of my website visitors. Ans if you leave your name and e-mail for the newsletter, I might go as far as sending you an actual newsletter issue, via e-mail and call you by name! Ain’t that peachy?

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General information

Data protection

I take the protection of your personal data very seriously. I treat your personal data as confidential and in accordance with the General Data Protection Regulation (GDPR).
As soon as I receive your data, I cram it into a used cookie jar I keep under my commode. When the jar is full I sneak out in the middle of the night and bury your data at an unnamed crossroads. Some ritual chanting may be involved. The storage period depends on the nature of the information and the purposes of processing. The maximum period may therefore vary per use, but is usually less than the lifetime of the average m-class star.
Most personal data relating to the website will be deleted after a reasonable time. Thereafter, a part of the personal data may be stored only as long as such processing is required by law or is reasonably necessary for our legal obligations or legitimate interests such as pillow stuffing, paperweight or salad dressing flavor enhancer.

Notice concerning the controller

The controller’s contact details:
You can reach me at ian@ilahey.com. Of course that means sending me even MORE of your personal data, which I then have to store, use and protect from those evil data-eating monsters.

Your rights

Revocation of your consent to the processing of your data

Many data processing operations are only possible with your express consent. You may revoke your consent at any time with future effect. An informal e-mail making this request is sufficient.
Withdrawing a consent may lead to fewer possibilities to use the services proposed on the website (registration to the newsletter mailing list). This doesn’t mean all the previous newsletters will be unsent and you will never have heard of me. I leave a mark.

Click this button if you wanna stop reading this crap and sign up to my newsletter instead. There’s a free e-book in it for you!

Right to file complaints with regulatory authorities

If there has been a breach of data protection legislation, the person affected may file a complaint with the competent regulatory authorities. In case website visitors consider my processing of personal data to be inconsistent with the applicable data protection laws, a complaint may be lodged with the local supervisory authority for data protection. The competent regulatory authority for matters related to data protection legislation is in an office in the basement of your local city hall, past the dead janitor’s bathroom, behind a mouldy door with a sign which reads “beware of the leopard”

Right to data portability

Website visitors have the right to receive their personal data that they have provided to me in a structured and commonly used format (email) and to independently transmit those data to a third party. If you send me an e-mail with your name to ask for any and all data I have regarding you, I will reply with an e-mail containing the requested information, which will amount to your e-mail and your name.

Rights to access, rectification, erasure and restriction of processing

As permitted by law, you have the right to be provided at any time with information free of charge about any of your personal data that is stored as well as its origin, the recipient and the purpose for which it has been processed. You can contact me at any time using the address given herein if you have further questions on the topic of personal data. The answer is “I have no clue, apart from the newsletter, of any other data of yours that you may have left around here, because I don’t use it.”
Website visitors have the right to have incorrect or incomplete personal data we have stored corrected or completed. I have the right to giggle every time I find out you spelled your own name wrong.
Website visitors may also ask me to erase their personal data from my systems. I will walk over to WordPress headquarters and see if they’ll let me go into their server farm with my flamethrower.

Right to object

Website visitors may object to the processing of personal data if such data is processed for other purposes than purposes necessary for the performance of services on the website or for compliance with a legal obligation. In case I do not have legitimate grounds to continue processing such personal data, I shall no longer process the personal data after your objection.
I will not use your personal data for direct marketing purposes, also because my marketing skills amount to zero.

Data security

General

I use administrative, organizational, technical, and physical safeguards to protect the personal data we collect and process. Measures include for example, where appropriate, scary signs and stickers, a trained necromancer and a vicious squid. My security controls are designed to maintain an appropriate level of data confidentiality, integrity, availability, resilience and ability to restore the data, which is done by asking you to kindly provide the data I may have accidentally deleted.
Should despite of the security measures, a security breach occur that is likely to have negative effects to the privacy of website visitors, I will inform the relevant website visitors and other affected parties, as well as relevant authorities when required by applicable data protection laws, about the breach as soon as possible.

Newsletter data

If you would like to receive my inconsistently bi-weekly newsletter, I require a valid e-mail address (DUH) as well as information that allows the system to verify that you agree to receive the newsletters.
You can revoke consent to the storage of your data and e-mail address as well as their use for sending the newsletters at any time, e.g. through the “unsubscribe” option in the e-mails sending the newsletters. The data processed before we receive your request may still be legally processed, but you can keep the awesome free e-book you got when registering. Also, if you unsubscribe, I shall not forget.

That newsletter offer is still valid!

Personal data recipients

General

I do not share personal data with third parties outside of my website.

Google analytics

This website doesn’t use Google Analytics, a web analytics service. So everything you read from here on is utterly irrelevant.
Google Analytics uses so-called “cookies”. These are text files that are stored on your computer and that allow an analysis of the use of the website by you. The information generated by the cookies about your use of this website is usually transmitted to a Google server in the USA and stored there. Google Analytics cookies are stored based on Art. 6 (1) (f) GDPR. The website operator has a legitimate interest in analyzing user behavior to optimize both its website and its advertising.

Click here if you think Google is pretty awesome.

Browser plugin

You can prevent these cookies being stored by selecting the appropriate settings in your browser. However, I wish to point out that doing so may mean you will not be able to enjoy the full functionality of this website, the Internet spirit’s will be cross at you and the length of the ads on your YouTube videos will double.

Social media plugins

My website uses social media plugins of different social networks such as Twitter and Instagra., which are marked by their logo.

When you open a website with these plugins, browser data is transferred to the owner of those social networks. Thus, they are informed that you have opened the respective website. If you are logged in to one or several of these social networks, this data can be linked to your account. Your IP address may be logged without you being a member of a social network or logging into a network. Facebook may suddenly decide to offer ads which will suddey zero in on whatever you were thinking of buying when you clicked on my website. It’s uncanny, I know.

Please note that the processing of data takes place outside of the European Union (EU). We have no influence on and take no responisibility for the volume of data that is transferred through social media plugins.

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Here are some more cookies

If you have read this far then you must really love stuff like this. Here is some more random legalese, as a treat just for you!

The patent license shall apply to your Derivative Works as a result of any updates or upgrades to such recipients. You are always permitted to use such Licensed Program on any number of Computers and use the trade names, trademarks, service marks, logos, raccoons, or trade name in a particular purpose; effectively excludes on behalf of all distributions of the corresponding source code. (“Chauvinist Opossum”). The Source Code version from the substance or structure of (i) a file documenting the changes You made to Python 1.6b1.

Any or all use of this page for legal purposes is subject to the International Disclaimer Act of 1681 which I’ve just made up and which states: “…by citing material on this page without the author’s permission, the perpetrator shall be held guilty of theft of intellectual property, punishable by either tarring and feathering, getting dragged on Twitter or public spanking.”